We've posted a new Topic,
"Understanding Aging," that looks at the dilemma (one of
the many dilemmas!) caregivers can face:
What's
"normal" -- and what's not -- as my loved one gets
older? Here's an excerpt:
"Throughout our lives, our bodies change. As long as
a human body is living, it’s growing older. So how
can you tell if your loved one is developing a new
and potentially serious health problem, or if what
you see is simply part of what could be called the
natural aging process?
"The temptation is to assume that a new problem your
care-receiver develops is one every older person experiences and
that nothing can be done about it. Not necessarily.
"Take being confused, for example. Doesn’t
everyone, if he or she lives long enough, develop
some form of mild dementia? Yes, the chances of
developing a form of dementia (Alzheimer’s disease
being only one of the possible diagnoses) increase
with age, but there are other reasons a senior might
be confused. Maybe Dad’s metabolism has changed, and
a medicine he’s taken for years is now causing side
effects. Or the problem is a new medicine combined
with what he’s already taking. Maybe, without your
knowledge, Mom is drinking more than she used to.
Maybe she has had a small stroke."
The
Fall 2009 quarterly newsletter, "Among Friends," is
on-line now. We've listed FSJC donors from April through
October. To each and every one of them: "Thank you and
God bless you!"
The newsletter includes an updated Order
Form for requesting any of the material -- and more! --
that's on YourAgingParent.com and
CatholicCaregivers.com. ("More" includes prayer books,
holy cards and DVDs.)
You'll also find the Order Form here. As always, all
material -- and shipping -- is free, free, free! How's
that possible? It's because of our wonderful donors.
- - -
Again
this week we cordially invite you to join the Friends
of St. John the Caregiver, too. (FSJC's programs include
YourAgingParent.com and CatholicCaregivers.com.) You can find out more about
becoming a member here.
No meetings, no dues. All we ask is that
you pray for caregivers and those receiving care. Our members include
caregivers, care-receivers, and those who support both
(including quite a few former caregivers). You can:
Remember the song "He's Got the Whole World in His
Hands"? Maybe you sang it, or led the singing of it, in
a religious education
class
or at a Catholic summer camp. It offered the reassuring
message that not only is God in control, but he's
holding you in his cupped hands.
Caregiving can offer a different
perspective, can't it? Sometimes it seems God isn't
holding us, or our care-receivers. Yes, he remains
all-loving and all-powerful but . . . . our thundering
fear overwhelms our timid faith. It's easy to forget
that faith doesn't eliminate uncertainty. It's easy to
overlook that simple, unchangeable fact completely.
Caregiving has more than its share of "what
ifs." What if my loved one needs even more help? What if
the insurance won't cover what the doctor has
recommended? What if I get sick? What if I just can't do
this anymore because I'm just too tired? What if . . .
What if . . . What if . . . .
The two of us are reminded of a friend who had
ALS -- Lou Gehrig's disease. After years and years of
slowly losing more and more of his abilities, he pointed
out what, to him, seemed like a positive. "You have to
give up the illusion of control," he said. Yes, we have
some influence -- even a great deal of influence -- over
what happens to us and to our care-receiver. But . . .
we aren't in control are we?
Fortunately, the one who is -- the One who
is -- is also the one who loves your care-receiver even
more than you do. Who loves you so much he sent his own
Son to help you make your way home to him.
He's the one who has you and your loved one
in his hands. Always. Forever.
- - -
Please join us in welcoming the newest member to the
Friends of St. John the Caregiver. "Hello" to Deb T.
from Ohio. She's promised to pray for you and your
intentions. Please keep her and hers in yours.
Again
this week we cordially invite you to join the Friends
of St. John the Caregiver, too. (FSJC's programs include
YourAgingParent.com and CatholicCaregivers.com.) You can find out more about
becoming a member here.
No meetings, no dues. All we ask is that
you pray for caregivers and those receiving care. Our members include
caregivers, care-receivers, and those who support both
(including quite a few former caregivers). You can:
One of the most common prayer requests we receive has to
do with patience . . . and anger. There are a lot of
reasons, a lot of
very good reasons, why both a
caregiver and a care-receiver can feel angry sometimes.
That long list might start with the very basic fact that
it's hard being a caregiver and it's hard being a
care-receiver. It seems safe to speculate that at some
point just about every caregiver and every care-receiver
feels angry. That doesn't mean he or she acts on that
emotion but it's there.
Here are a couple of resources that might
help if you've been finding yourself feeling less
patient recently. The first is a Topic on this Web site.
Here's an excerpt:
At times,
anger can be a dominant emotion in the aging
parent-adult child relationship for many reasons.
Reasons that would be easier to identify and
understand if both people weren't already so
drained, both physically and emotionally. From your mother's point of view, there have
been so many changes, so many losses, her life seems out of control. Dad can feel angry because he thinks you owe
him something in return for all his years of parenting and he may not
think he's getting a fair shake. From your point of view, you're angry at
what's happening to your mother or father whose health continues to
deteriorate. You want to reverse it, or at least stop it, but you
can't. You don't want to become the "parent." You may, at
times, want to ignore the whole situation.
The second resource is a series of three videos on our
JohnTheCaregiver channel on YouTube.
They have to do with looking at caregiving from a
care-receiver's point of view. This can help a caregiver
understand why, at times, a loved one is angry. (And can
make a caregiver wonder why that person isn't upset more
often! )This is the first
video in that series.
- - -
Speaking of prayer
requests, please just us know if there's an
intention you would
like members of the Friends of St. John the Caregiver to
keep in their prayers.
- - -
Again
this week we cordially invite you to join the Friends
of St. John the Caregiver, too. (FSJC's programs include
YourAgingParent.com and CatholicCaregivers.com.) You can find out more about
becoming a member here.
No meetings, no dues. All we ask is that
you pray for caregivers and those receiving care. Our members include
caregivers, care-receivers, and those who support both
(including quite a few former caregivers). You can:
On behalf of your
parish, your care-receiver's parish, the
members of the Friends of St. John the
Caregiver, and the Catholic Church, thank
you!
Thank you for what you are doing as a caregiver. Thank you, thank you,
thank you; and God bless you!
Week of November 23,
2009
When It's Hard to Give Thanks
Dear Friends:
As Americans prepare to celebrate the Thanksgiving
holiday this Thursday, it could be that -- as a
caregiver -- you sometimes find it
hard
to give thanks. Like when you're tired or irritated.
When you're feeling lonely or underappreciated.
When you're missing the life you used to
lead. (Your old schedule and routine. Your free time and
time spent with spouse, kids, friends and others.)
When you're grieving what -- it chills you
to admit to yourself -- will never be. (The traveling
you and your spouse had talked about "once we retire."
The hearing stories from your parent who now, because of
dementia, doesn't remember the stories and, perhaps,
doesn't even remember you. The seeing your son or
daughter graduate high school and college, then get a
job, get married and have children of his or her own but
-- because of a physical or mental condition -- that
dream will never come true.)
You know you should give thanks for what
still is. You know in the dead and the dread of night,
you should "count your blessings instead of sheep" but .
. . .
It can help to remember that thanksgiving
-- like love -- is more than an emotion. Yes, that can
be a part of it but it's much, much more.
It can help to realize that caregiving
is thanksgiving.
Just as by your loving actions when you're
tired, irritated and all the rest, you demonstrate your
love for another person, so too with your caring
actions.
A national holiday that emphasizes giving
thanks is a good reminder for all of us but, like St.
Valentine's Day with its focus on expressing love, you
don't really need it. The turkey and pumpkin pie, the
Valentine's card and the box of chocolates, are truly
nice but for you and all the caregivers just like you,
they're unnecessary.
Picking up that prescription, visiting that
nursing home, seeing to your loved one's personal care
items, and on and on and on, is saying "Thank you" to
your care-receiver and to God. And it's saying "I love
you" to both, too.
- - -
As you probably know, the word Eucharist comes from the
Greek for "thanks." If your care-receiver isn't being
visited by a parish priest or an extraordinary minister
of the Eucharist who's bringing Holy Communion, please
ask your loved one if this is something he or she would
like and then give the local parish a call to arrange
it.
- - -
Free Christmas Gifts!
Friends of St. John the Caregiver holy
cards, prayer cards and prayer books make great stocking
stuffers, are ideal for including in Christmas cards,
and are the perfect accompaniment for those tins of
Christmas cookies you’re giving to family, friends and
neighbors. Order yours
today! Free means free! The items are free and the
shipping is free, too.
- - -
Again
this week we cordially invite you to join the Friends
of St. John the Caregiver, too. (FSJC's programs include
YourAgingParent.com and CatholicCaregivers.com.) You can find out more about
becoming a member here.
No meetings, no dues. All we ask is that
you pray for caregivers and those receiving care. Our members include
caregivers, care-receivers, and those who support both
(including quite a few former caregivers). You can:
Heaven knows -- really, heaven knows -- how challenging
it can be taking care of an aging parent or immediate
family member.
Heaven
knows -- and a lot of caregivers discover -- how even
more challenging it can be to help an in-law or
stepparent.
That is the new topic we've posted on
YourAgingParent.com and we have it on
CatholicCaregivers.com for December's flier.
Here's how it begins:
Being the caregiver of an in-law can be very different from taking
care of your own parent. It brings out unique emotions and requires
good communication skills. The same can be true when taking care of
a stepparent, especially if he or she is someone who joined the
family after you reached adulthood or if there has always been
friction between you. Every newlywed soon learns that you don’t marry an individual; you
“marry” a family—a family that may be very different from your own
family of origin. But even newlyweds may not realize that a promise
to stick by each other “in sickness and in health” can include a
family member’s sickness, too. . . .
For the Topic, go
here;
and for the flier, go
here.
Free Christmas Gifts!
Friends of St. John the Caregiver holy
cards, prayer cards and prayer books:
--make great stocking
stuffers,
--are ideal for including in Christmas cards,
--and are the perfect accompaniment for those tins of
Christmas cookies you’re giving to family, friends and
neighbors. Order yours
today! Free means free! The items are free and the
shipping is free, too.
- - -
Again
this week we cordially invite you to join the Friends
of St. John the Caregiver, too. (FSJC's programs include
YourAgingParent.com and CatholicCaregivers.com.) You can find out more about
becoming a member here.
No meetings, no dues. All we ask is that
you pray for caregivers and those receiving care. Our members include
caregivers, care-receivers, and those who support both
(including quite a few former caregivers). You can:
What's
"normal" -- and what's not -- as my loved one gets
older? Here's an excerpt:
class
or at a Catholic summer camp. It offered the reassuring
message that not only is God in control, but he's
holding you in his cupped hands.
very good reasons, why both a
caregiver and a care-receiver can feel angry sometimes.
That long list might start with the very basic fact that
it's hard being a caregiver and it's hard being a
care-receiver. It seems safe to speculate that at some
point just about every caregiver and every care-receiver
feels angry. That doesn't mean he or she acts on that
emotion but it's there.
hard
to give thanks. Like when you're tired or irritated.
When you're feeling lonely or underappreciated.
Heaven
knows -- and a lot of caregivers discover -- how even
more challenging it can be to help an in-law or
stepparent.
Free Christmas Gifts!