As a child you probably didn't like it when others compared
you to your siblings. Now, as an adult caring for an aging
parent, those similarities and differences can continue to
influence the challenges your family is facing.
You and your siblings each have a unique relationship with
your parent. You've each played particular roles in the family.
Those roles have been shaped over your lifetime. So it's not
strange that we fall back into our family roles when everyone
gathers.
You each have unique abilities, life experiences and
training. You each have your own way of handling things. Your
own strengths and weaknesses.
It's a small wonder then that when it comes to helping your
mother or father, there may at times be some differences of
opinion, even some friction.
These are some points to consider about dealing with family
conflict over caring for an aging parent:
--The best way to begin to handle a potential conflict or
difference of opinion is to sit down and talk it over with your
siblings before there's a medical crisis or other emergency.
This meeting doesn't have to be formal. Plan a conference call
to chat. Or you may just want to make some time at the next
family get-together. Be sure to include your parent in meetings.
--Take time to prepare for these meetings. Gather information
that will be shared and that will help in decision making. Maybe
you'll need input from a professional who can add an expertise
that the family doesn't have.
--Together, make a list the of "what ifs" and come up with
some workable solutions. The important thing is that everyone
has an opportunity to talk and help in any decisions that need
to be made. This means that everyone must respectfully listen to
each other.
--Make assignments: staying in touch with the doctor,
handling finances, seeing to it that home care is provided and
all the rest. Schedules can be set up: Who's driving Dad to the
doctor when? Who's going to be with Mom on what days? (Or, for
an out-of-town siblings, who's going to call her when?)
--Sometimes siblings just can't be in the same room with each
other without arguments. There may be a lot of family dynamics
going on here: anger, resentment, disagreements over money, a
history of abuse, alcoholism and so on. If that's the case, try
to find someone respected by the family members to facilitate
the meeting. This may be a time when it's necessary to set aside
differences -- call a temporary cease-fire -- and deal with
taking care of a parent.
And here are some things to remember when the family
discusses this challenge:
--Out-of-towners (long-distance caregivers) and those who
live nearby are going to have different perspectives. It's a
time for everyone to learn.
--A visit home can give a long-distance sibling a chance to
offer the primary caregiver some time off. And the local sibling
should make sure the long-distance brother or sister has some
time alone with Mom or Dad.
--If you are the primary caregiver, don't be shy about asking
your siblings for help. They may not know what to do. They may
feel a little intimidated because you seem to be doing
everything so well. Sometimes it helps to offer a couple of
choices: "Can you take Mom to the doctor's on Tuesday afternoon
or stay with her Saturday morning?" And when they help, remember
that how they perform a task might not be how you would do it,
but both ways may be right.
--There can be incredible strength and comfort in numbers.
Common concern for Mom or Dad doesn't have to splinter a family;
it can bring members closer together.