The Need to Talk
It doesn't feel like "us"
and "them." It feels like "me" and "everyone else." When you're
taking care of a loved one, you may think no one else in the world
understands what you're going through.
And to a certain extent,
you're right.
No one else in the world
has the same combination as the two of you. Relationship. Illness or
disability. Ages. Locations. Living situation. Family history.
Emotional, psychological and spiritual strengths and weaknesses.
There are an infinite number of variables.
No wonder it's easy to
assume that no one else can even come close to comprehending what
you're going through. No one else can really help you.
Fortunately, that isn't
true.
No matter where you are
on that very broad spectrum of "caregiving," there is a basic human
need to talk about what is happening to you.
To tell someone what your
questions are. Your concerns. Your fears.
To say out loud, to give
words to, the confusing and overwhelming mix of emotions that are
filling your mind and your heart.
The temptation is to
remain silent. To try to tough it out. But then that inner turmoil
will only get worse.
The excuse can be "our
family just doesn't do that." As if going for emotional help is a
sign of weakness. An admission of failure. It isn't. It's the same
as seeking medical attention for a physical problem. If you had an
appendicitis, would you simply "tough it out"?
But where can you go? To
whom can you talk?
--For some caregivers the
right choice is to meet with a professional counselor in the field
of aging. This person will not supply "the answer." Rather, a
counselor is there to help you find the most workable solution. He
or she can help you identify and label some of the feelings you're
having and explain how typical, and normal, these emotions are for a
person going through all the things you are.
--Consider a
professionally-run support group. This is a good place to "dump"
your feelings without listeners jumping in with solutions or
judgments. Sometimes it's easier to "unload" when surrounded by
concerned strangers rather than family and friends.
A group like this also
offers a feeling of support from the sharing that takes place. And
you can learn from other people's experiences. This may not be a
good choice if you cannot set aside your caregiver role and you
begin to pick up on and worry about their problems. That doesn't
help them or you.
--Remember the spiritual
support available from your parish priest. He can listen to you,
pray with you, offer the opportunities for the sacraments, and
remind you that God is always available for comfort and support.
--And a fourth
possibility is finding a friend who will listen to you. This needs
to be someone to whom you can say "I don't want answers, advice or
solutions. I just need to talk."
Some individuals, however
well-intentioned, can't help offering advice. That doesn't mean they
aren't good people or good friends. They just aren't the right ones
to meet your needs in this area.
A good way of telling if
this is the right person is the way you feel after you've talked to
him or her. You shouldn't feel worse. The point is to help you
release some of the pent-up emotions churning inside you, not add
more to them.
The right friend for this task is one that gives a feeling of taking care of you, of emotionally if not physically putting an arm around you and holding you.