Words That Sting,
Words That Comfort
If your loved one is
seriously ill, you may soon discover that the reactions of others,
and your own emotions, can take surprising twists and turns. It's
hard to think about what's happening to your care-receiver; it may
be harder to have to say those words out loud. "Mom has had a
stroke." "My husband was diagnosed with cancer." "It's at the stage
where nothing else can be done." "The doctor said it's only a matter
of months . . . of weeks . . . of days."
If your loved one is
seriously ill, you'll have to speak about the situation repeatedly.
That's when questions from some of your peers may hurt. "How old is
he?" "Did she smoke?" "Had he been sick for a while?" "Did she take
good care of herself?" Though it's never explicitly said, the
meaning seems clear: Thank God it's your loved one who's sick and
not mine. Mine is younger. Mine never smoked. Mine is healthy. Mine
exercises and eats right.
These people don't mean
to be rude, but sometimes their words sting. Theirs is a natural
reaction, not unlike what combat veterans recall feeling when they
learned a comrade had been killed in battle. They felt a sense of
relief, of gratefulness that--for now, anyway--they had been spared.
When your loved one is
ill or dying, some people don't know what to say or are afraid
they'll say the "wrong" thing. They don't say anything at all to
acknowledge your loved one's illness or death. They try to avoid you
altogether.
Don't be surprised if you
feel a strange burst of resentment toward others the same age as
your loved one who are still healthy. It's not that you wish them
ill. It's not that you wish anyone ill. But why is someone else's
loved one doing so well when yours is failing so rapidly? And how
can everyone else behave so normally, continue with business as
usual, when your dear one is so close to death?
Seek support from peers who know what you're going through. These are people whose loved one has been ill or has died. They've survived those thoughtless, stinging questions. These extended family members, friends and coworkers can offer unmatched compassion. They can share an amazing grace. They clearly know the power of the simple "I'm so sorry to hear that. I'll keep you and your loved one and your family in my prayers."